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Man says to God: "God, why did you make my wife so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she would love you."
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God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."



The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20."



And it was so.



Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."



The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."



And it was so.



God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."



The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."



And it was so.



Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."



The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."



And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

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Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.



Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.



When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.



When it's in your best interest, always practice obedience.



Let others know when they've invaded your territory.



Take naps and always stretch before rising.



Run, romp, and play daily.



Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.



Be loyal.



Never pretend to be something you're not.



If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.



When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.



Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.



Thrive on attention and let people touch you.



Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.



On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.



When you are happy, dance around and wag your entire body.



No matter how often you are criticized, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

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Obama issued an executive order to end the pay freeze on federal employees, in effect giving some federal workers a raise. One federal worker now to receive a pay increase is Vice President Joe Biden.



According to disclosure forms, Biden made a cool $225,521 last year. After the pay increase, he'll now make $231,900 per year.



Members of Congress, from the House and Senate, also will receive a little bump, as their annual salary will go from $174,000 to 174,900. Leadership in Congress, including the speaker of the House, will likewise get an increase.



Here's the list of new wages, as attached to President Obama's executive order:
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."



"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.



"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"



"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.



"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.



Confused, the man asked what were the types.



The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"



Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"



The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

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May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early! My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!
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A U.S. official says retired Gen. H. Norman Schwarzkopf, who commanded the U.S.-led international coalition that drove Saddam Hussein's forces out of Kuwait in 1991, has died. He was 78.



The official tells The Associated Press that Schwarzkopf died Thursday in Tampa, Fla. The official wasn't authorized to release the information publicly and spoke on condition of anonymity.



A much-decorated combat soldier in Vietnam, Schwarzkopf was known popularly as "Stormin' Norman" for a notoriously explosive temper.

He lived in retirement in Tampa, where he had served in his last military assignment as commander-in-chief of U.S. Central Command. That is the headquarters responsible for U.S. military and security concerns in nearly 20 countries from the eastern Mediterranean and Africa to Pakistan.
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The Social Security program ran a $47.8 billion deficit in fiscal 2012 as the program brought in $725.429 billion in cash and paid $773.247 for benefits and overhead expenses, according to official data published by Social Security Administration.



The Social Security Administration also released new data revealing that the number of workers collecting disability benefits hit a record 8,827,795 in December--up from 8,805,353 in November.



The overall number of Social Security program beneficiaries—including retired workers, dependent family members and survivors and disabled workers and their dependent family members—also hit a record in December, climbing from 56,658,978 in November to 56,758,185 in December.
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Santa makes a list every year, and so do we -- only on ours, just about everyone is naughty.



What else but a lump of coal can you give to a mother-and-daughter porn duo? And that mother might not be the worst parent on our Weird News Top 10 list, which also includes Nadya "The Octomom" Suleman and that sun-kissed lady with the extra-crispy mugshot, better known as "Tanning Mom."



Our 2012 list features a testicle-munching fish; a chef who cooked and served his own genitals; the world's fattest woman, who loses weight by having marathon sex; and a 20-year-old Brazilian who auctioned off her virginity, supposedly to help the poor.
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Odds are, you and your guy have a great relationship, and the only lies he tells are little fibs. But it's good to know how to spot the signs he could be telling a whopper. Lie detection expert Janine Driver, author of the new book, You Can't Lie to Me, fills us in on the words that give away a liar.
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Perfect timing.



Via The Hill:



A new poll shows the public generally in favor of stricter gun laws in the wake of the Newtown, Conn., mass shooting, but opposing many specific measures, including a ban on assault weapons.



Fifty-eight percent say they back tightening gun control, up from 43 percent in October of 2011, according to a new poll from USA Today released Wednesday night.



But the poll also finds that specific proposals to stem gun violence have not seen increased support after the Newtown tragedy, which left 26 dead, including 20 children.



Fifty-one percent oppose re-instating the federal ban on assault weapons, with 44 percent supporting the move. That is almost unchanged from 2011, when the public opposed the weapons ban by a 53-43 split.



Twenty-four percent back banning the possession of handguns, with 74 percent opposing. That also shows little movement since 2011, when 26 percent backed a ban and 73 percent opposed.



Keep reading…
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Back in 2010 and 2011 when he still faced re-election challenges, Barack Obama made certain to include church-going services into his Hawaiian vacation photo ops. This time around with no re-election concerns guess what? Barack Obama hasn’t stepped foot inside a church since…



Just drive it right over that fiscal cliff Barack…



Hussein played golf three out of the five days he was on Oahu, engaging in marathon sessions of up to six hours for a total of about 17 hours on the links.