Published News » Humor
Problem Solver - Joke of the Day
Posted by dtwentytwenty (#11) 2 days ago (Editorial)A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."
His funeral services will be held on Monday.
Manifesto - Joke of the Day
Posted by dtwentytwenty (#11) 3 days ago (Editorial)
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
Sunday Funnies: Flopping Aces
Posted by gbudavid (#4) 3 days ago (http://floppingaces.net)
This week marks the 40th anniversary of the Watergate hearings. For those of you too young to remember, back then the administration had an enemies list. They were spying on reporters, and they used the IRS to harass groups they didn’t like. Thank God those days are gone forever.
A lot of critics are comparing President Obama to President Richard Nixon, which is unfair. Nixon’s unemployment rate was only 5 percent.
"An ill wind that blows no good," states The Raleigh News & Observer in todays morning edition reporting the following event:
Approximately two hundred demonstrators gathered on the steps of the State Capitol building this morning to demonstrate their support for a new initiative to stop fracking in the state and replace it with an alternative energy source; Fart Farms. With shouts of,"Rather Fart than Fracked," and, "T.J.---T.J.--- how many farts did you save today," they clapped and cheered as State Senator T. J. McCorkle of Louisburg outlined hia new fart initiative to solve the state's energy problems.
.
"Rather fart than frack," shouted McCorkle as the crowd cheered. "We don't need the Koch brothers or any other fancy pants outsiders to tell us what to do with our natural resources! We don't need foreigners to come in and foul our nest," he paused, "we can foul our own nest jes like we be doing for hundreds of years! With the developed technology we can install units in every household, every church, every public building and every tavern in the state to capture our own natural resource. Cousin Bubba McCorkle over in little Centerville can supply enough energy from one twelve-pack of Coors Light on a Saturday night to light up his entire little town for a month. One pork and bean church social could supply enough energy to light Louisburg for a week," he paused, "and even my old dog Moose could probably run our TV for an entire night if you could jes stand being in the room. "NO," he shouted, It's time to get the sneaky fart out of the lonliness and obscurity of a crowded elevator and into its own rightful place in society and it's time for the bold and regal fart to stop being the poor relative to a good healthy shit!" The crowd cheered wildly.
McCorkle concluded, "So listen up all of you who would bring fracking to our beautiful and pristine state, go frack yourselves and the horse you rode in on!" As supporters cheered, McCorkle was escorted fro
~ Worst movie death scene ever...ever.....
Posted by Mortis (#2) 4 days ago (http://www.youtube.com)
`Some say that he is still dying....`
Badge - Joke of the Day
Posted by dtwentytwenty (#11) 4 days ago (Editorial)
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."
I said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Missy, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
I said "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Missy, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs
"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
Viewers shocked at close-up of Obama's blackheads
Posted by Pernicious (#1) 6 days ago (http://www.thespoof.com)
Obama has shocked British TV viewers after revealing much of his face is pitted with blackheads.
Speaking to White House reporters during a meeting with UK Prime Minister David Cameron the President displayed a well-entrenched colony of facial zits that pepper his cheeks like little bugs on a flower.
A close-up of the presidential acne sparked torrents of complaints from UK viewers demanding to know why the Commander-in-Chief of the Free World hasn't been given 'a damn good facial' by his wife Michelle.
Or whatever White House minion is normally assigned to the task.
This week's Obama close-ups are bound to reignite that particular conspiracy theory agenda amid calls for Barack to be Vulcan mind-melded by FBI X-Files agents to check for some sort of a voodoo zit spell.
A one hour laser session at a reputable skin clinic could easily zap those pesky blackheads in one fell swoop.
Obunga revising dictionary
Posted by Pernicious (#1) 7 days ago (http://www.thespoof.com)
Obama, today, during an unscheduled press conference he called, pre-empting the Drew Carey show, The Price is Right, indicated that he is presenting to Congress, a list of words which he wants stricken from the English language. the first one of course was Kardashian. He wants them to change their name to Bodega, as they seemingly are open 24 hours, and offer their "services" to anyone who drives in.
He indicated that he wants the word "president" removed. Since I have been in office, no one capitalizes it anymore, so he wants it erased, he stated that he had not decided what word he wants used, to replace it, perhaps, emperor, king, Joe Goss, Head Honcho, "numero uno", piece of shit, a term that he felt would be appreciated by his newest block of voters.
There will be no using of the term, "Birth Certificate" in regards to ones place of birth. He felt that where and when pertaining to ones birth had no significance anymore. "We are, that's all they need to know," he stated.
"Term," I hate that word, "I want it removed from all printed material, and that goes for "limits" to, those two together will never be used again."
The complete list of suggested words will be delivered to someone in the House, Boehner is on the list, and his name cannot be used in casual conversation.
Sunday Funnies: Flopping Aces
Posted by gbudavid (#4) 10 days ago (http://floppingaces.net)
Mother’s Day is on Sunday. Americans will spend between $17 billion and $20 billion on Mother’s Day. The average spending is about $169 per mom — which is the reason NBA players need so much money.
Exam - Joke of the Day
Posted by dtwentytwenty (#11) 10 days ago (Editorial)
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
Leads - Joke of the Day
Posted by dtwentytwenty (#11) 11 days ago (Editorial)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the priest asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?" "No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened. "Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
Sister Susan
Posted by Pernicious (#1) 14 days ago (Editorial)
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight.
"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?", he asked.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.
A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight.
"Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?", he asked again.
"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage in the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "What a cute little fart!"
Saved Stories
